One of those odd days

I don't know if anyone else experiences these regularly, but every now and then I have a day that seems to drag me down. Days where you feel like a freaking demon or force is surrounding you. I have no one huge traumatic event to justify feeling it, but the little things pile up and fill me with doubt.

I know part of it is exacerbated by John having duty today; he was home for the past 4 days and things were happy. He leaves on Sunday again for a while. I am hopeful when he's around. And I am usually very focused when he's gone, on getting things done and prepared for our transition this year. Sometimes, in difficult situations, John isn't a helpful person to be around. He's the type of guy who always downplays crises that happen to others--it seems involuntary for him to just say "oh, he's/she's fine" or "whatever". But sometimes just being around him makes me feel stronger or able to do more. I guess that's what having a man in your life is for.

Being a parent is scary. There are some areas that are, as of yet, not able to be determined as right or wrong. There are some issues that can't always be advised upon by any counsel. This is where one's faith has to be strong; I am trying to find guidance but am having difficulty knowing what to do.

A family member is trying to cope with an odd diagnosis (that is acknowledged as connected to a certain kind of cancer), that not many physicians have knowledge of. Finding out information online about it makes you so worried and sorry for them, but I know there would be so much hope when they are able to go to a doctor that specializes in the condition. It is not fatal, but could be a chronic disorder that affects certain body functions, requiring surgeries and ongoing treatments. This is something that could be genetic, so it could be a concern for my own children. When I know more about it, I will write a separate blog about it, but for now we are all still learning about it and accepting the challenges that come with it.

Lucas had his 15 month appointment today and I tried to talk to the doctor about it, but he seemed very dismissive; he hasn't heard of the condition and was more concerned with the limited vaccination schedule I have Lucas on. He was due for his first MMR vaccine shot today. I opted out of it. My doctor told me there have been outbreaks of Measles in countries like Germany recently since kids are no longer getting vaccinated. It has me worried, but when you look at what Measles is, it doesn't seem serious enough to warrant injecting Lucas with weird and (in my opinion) potentially dangerous ingredients. I sometimes feel unsure about this issue, but my conscience tells me it is safe for me to only give them the vaccines I got as a baby.

To my doctor, I just seem like a witch-doctor wacko, that really misrepresents me. This isn't some cause celebre to make myself feel important; this is a real life decision that affects my child's life. I will be accountable for anything that happens to them. I know the other side would quickly say, I am endangering other kids by disrupting the 'immunity community'. But there are too many unanswered questions and questionable ingredients/methods of making the vaccines and there is no way to test a baby's immune system or ability to withstand the chemicals beforehand. And it isn't convincing enough for me to know that the American Pediatrics Association encourages full vaccination. "Doctors" get paid to kill babies daily-what do they care? It is harrowing to realize a baby's life and well-being as totally your responsibility. Sometimes it's easier to go with the flow, and do whatever "everyone else" does blindly. Sometimes it causes irreparable damage.

I just wanted to express tonight, that I admit I do have doubts sometimes. I found a quote that sorta expresses how I feel right now.

"It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong." -G.K. Chesterton

On a lighter note, I thought someone egged my car today! I saw a big mess on the back window through the rear view mirror when I was leaving today. It was an egg, but it was a small blue one that seemed more like it was dropped on the car from above, rather than thrown. There was still part of the light blue shell, that leads me to think it was a robin's egg. It was kinda stinky, and I washed it off when we got home---hopefully it wasn't on the car too long...egg whites can strip car paint!

On a STINKIER note, I realized Olivia was reverting back to her crying-colicky self recently. I know that she is starting to teeth as she is drooling more and biting my knuckle hard. But I can tell when she is arching her back hard and crying in tummy pain--i have become somewhat able to discern different cries: tummy, teeth, hungry, bored. And Lucas is teething now too--his cuspids are coming in. He has been a little fussy about going to bed (very odd for him..but he is sleeping fine now).

Anyway, I just gave Olivia a bath and fed her a little. She screamed red and finally went to sleep...and now every few minutes I hear this low 'pop-pop-pop-pop' farting in her sleep..and I realize I have been eating bold & spicy beans for the past 2 days! duh! Now I feel bad! And by the way, she has outgrown most of her clothes...she has been wearing Lucas sleepers that he only RECENTLY outgrew. She's a big one. But I love her and Lucas so much. I hope John and I make the right choices as parents.