Holy Saturday

I felt bad for not taking part in Holy Week at my church; the masses for Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and tonight's vigil are too long (and late) for me to take the babies to by myself. I am going to try to go to the less popular 5pm Easter mass tomorrow, but I am sure it will be hectic and crowded, and hard to find parking. I also felt bad because I honestly haven't really been reflecting on what this week truly means. I've become desensitized to the sacrifice that was made on our behalf.

So last night I gave Lucas his bath, put him to bed. He's so good- turns off the light when I take him to the switch, has his one baba in his crib with his blankie in total darkness, and goes to sleep. No whining. I gave Olivia her bath, and she splashed so much water all over the kitchen counter, and was a little more difficult when trying to put her to sleep. Then I had my bath.:)

I decided to read the bible to try to focus on what I need to be grateful for. My life right now has been so limited to the present tasks at hand; either mothering, cleaning or worrying about my stupid weight....I have a prayer journal that I write my prayers in--was a great gift and necessary for people like me who typically recite the same prayer, that leads onto irrelevant tangents (like my blogs right?), but it also serves the awesome purpose when looking back at old entries, of reminding me of what I felt at a certain time, what I asked for, and what I truly did receive.

I am very fulfilled and feel fully immersed in my role as a mom. It has given me purpose. I feel so sad and worried when I think of anything happening to Lucas or Olivia, and I know I would do anything to protect them. Endure anything for them. Then I read of all the pain and temptation that Jesus was put through, and I am immediately humbled! Every time I hear the story, or see "The Passion", I always think "why didn't they just do this, or say this, or escape?" etc. But everything was prophesied. Having to know what pain is to come, is sometimes worse than it just happening. Anticipation is part of the suffering. I wouldn't be able to willingly endure it. But I guess that's partially the point. We should be always striving to improve ourselves. Never stay stagnant. Don't wait for crises to force you into gratitude.

I have been spiritually lazy lately. During this lent season I have kept the mantra of "resist temptation" in my head as best I could. It has worked in certain areas, and definitely in my diet, but how is that helping anyone? I want to do good in life. I feel like I am doing God's will in raising a family, supporting my husband, keeping a clean home, working towards goals together, and making small donations to the church or Salvation Army, but I never volunteer my time or service. I know I am not the best friend to those I have. And not as close and loving to my family as I should be. I pray for the guidance to know what is right and do it. I aim to find more uses for myself; some new form of service or purpose. Tomorrow is a joyful day- let it inspire you to do more too.