Where Were You

All morning watching the 9/11 coverage, going to church listening to a homily on it, and then straining to get through "America the Beautiful" at the close of mass, left me in tears most the day. I feel so helpless and sad like everyone else I'm sure, when hearing the family stories and heroic accounts. But it got to a point where I just wanted this day to pass so I could feel something other than frustration, immense sadness and helplessness. What gets me is the recordings they play of those last phone conversations between spouses. Does everyone else ache when they hear them? I guess I'm pretty emotional and melodramatic sometimes, but when I hear those conversations, I burst out in tears imagining John telling me,
"I want you to live a full happy life...tell the babies I love them..I love you."

And then hearing the avalanche of the building collapsing through a phone while you hopelessly continue to call their name. Or the brave flight 93 passengers who averted a possible attack on the Capitol by taking the plane down in a field...their calm conversations with their families, while essentially knowing their fates...

Can you believe it's been a decade? I have new feelings this year. I usually feel sad and angry, but this year brought new thoughts. I had a dream about a month ago--and I don't actually remember it, but I woke up at 3 or 4 in the AM in a panic and wondered what I would do if I were on the upper floors of either WTC tower...would I jump? I wished there was something to do to help them--even down to kid-like logic of a big trampoline like in the cartoons..parachutes, helicopters with ladders... I just was horrified at the thought of making that decision and the eerie loneliness at that time of night amplified that panic. I refrained from waking John since he had to work, but I really wanted to talk. I just prayed that they didn't experience pain and for comfort to their families.

Nearly half of the victims had kids younger than 18 yrs. One had 4 very young kids...I just don't know how those widows/widowers did it. And the children having to lose their parents that way is heartwrenching. I came home from mass ultimately feeling so grateful for my husband and babies. I hugged John so much. I am paranoid--thinking I could lose John at any minute. You get that way with your kids too..the times where you want to go in and check them to see them breathing.

Something else gave me new feelings about it; I have been reading George W. Bush's book "Decision Points" and just got to the 9/11 chapter last night. It was also very emotional and a great read to look at what was going on in his mind during it all. How much everything weighed on him, and how many neverending threats had to be taken seriously to prevent another attack. This book is really well written and I wish people would read it to learn a little more about Bush and the challenges he and his family experienced. I don't think most people realize the heavy decisions a president takes on and that the hurtful things deeply affect them, even when (and perhaps especially when) they don't respond to them. A lot of decisions he made were criticized, but when you look at the options he had and his reasoning, you see that he knew either way he would be villainized by some group, so he stuck with whatever choice benefited the most, and hurt the least. I don't think Bush ever came off as cocky or condescending or even very partisan honestly. He always gave credit where it was due and encouraged arguments because that's where learning truly begins. He's much smarter than you think, and yet he never placated the attackers with pathetic defense of his intelligence.
 My sister Sarah gave me this journal among other things for my birthday that year. This entry was made during class that morning...nothing really, but just significant to me since I will always remember that day.

    Where were you on 9/11? I was just beginning my senior yr at Littlerock High School. It was a few months before John grew a pair and asked me out. I was in Mr. Derse's Statistics AP class when I wrote this...at that point I was really ignorant to worldy issues..now i'm a little less ignorant lol. I initially just thought it was an accident while I got ready for school that morning. Every class we went to was airing the news. I didn't understand why we were attacked...well, I guess I still don't. Ten years--although I feel like a totally different person now, it doesn't seem that long ago.

"One of the lessons of 9-11 is that evil is real, and so is courage."