Future Toni

I saw this old historical picture of a Chinese woman on some slideshow and I think Toni will look like her when she's older :

 She has been sleeping so much so I took pictures when she finally opened her big dark eyes :)

Toni 1 week

Toni had her 1 week checkup last week and I was nervous she may have lost too much weight. Since I usually end up exclusively pumping milk, it was a little different as I tried to endure the pain of nursing with my uncooperative (flat) nipples. Apparently she was getting more milk than I thought as she only lost 4 oz (bf babies can lose up to 10% of their birth weight). I am pumping and nursing and she is pooping and sleeping well. As you can imagine, things are still out if whack here as far as our schedule and keeping up with parental duties. I am fearful for when john goes back to work next week. We have been doing school and rewarding the older kids with a trip to Main Event. But someone or something is always neglected and I haven't devised a daily strategy yet.
    Anyway, here are some cute pictures. I know no one believes me but Toni has giggled 3 times in her sleep! She is dreaming but her laugh is as big as if she were being tickled!  I am trying to catch it on video. But I did get this big grin:

 This was after a bath when I combed her pretty hair up :)

Here is our collection of Baylor scrubs with Frankie Eustace & Toni footprints:

 Eusty is really jealous and has to really restrain himself from hitting her and pulling her hair ...he comes over with his hand up, looks at me nodding no, and just cries in frustration. Booger.

 My mom helped us a lot last week and cooked and cleaned for us. She made this delicious Arroz con Pollo with capers and olives. Everyone liked it:

My little eskimo doll :)

Toni's Birth!

~Toni Louise~1-14-16~6lb 14oz~

This birth was a little different than the rest. I guess they were all different, but this one definitely stands out.

"Quick" recap:

LUCAS--2009

  When I had Lucas in 2009, I was laboring at home, carefully reading my "What to Expect" book and not wanting to confuse 'false labor' with the real deal. I still have my notebook of documented contractions that got as close as 4 minutes before I woke up John and said we should go in. By the time we got there I was already 7cm and begging for an epidural, that I never got. The staff at the hospital couldn't get in touch with my doctor, and eventually some other rude doctor came, and it was too late for an epidural. He was not patient or caring and yelled at me that I was pushing wrong. So the next strong contraction I pushed with all my body and popped (broke) and blood spurted everywhere. I was never the same down there, and couldn't sit or pee or do anything without excruciating pain for weeks. I thought this was a normal birth experience. I know now that the dr shouldn't have rushed me and that Lucas had a big head and it should've either been more gradual or possibly cesarean. It was a very fast labor and delivery and the pain and damage during and after was immense. But the joy and love for your first-born child supercedes all and John and I bonded in that hospital with Lucas for 3 days since he was badly jaundiced. He was 7 lbs 12 oz.
 I think you can see the shock and horror still in my swollen pre-eclamptic face here:

OLIVIA--2010

When I had Olivia less than a year later, I was prepared to jet to the hospital once I had a few strong contractions. Well, at almost 39 weeks I woke up to ONE strong contraction at 4am and said 'let's go!' We got to the hospital with all the staff doubting I was in labor or as progressed as I thought. Once they had me in triage, she checked and I was 7 cm and she said "we will try to get you an epidural but it may be too late." 

 They never believe me when I know what I am talking about. Sidenote: Only a few months later, I would be told by several doctors (obgyn, primary care, and urologist) that my persistant flank pain from the past 2 yrs was just "musculoskeletal"...when I finally got a CT scan, a 7 mm kidney stone was found lodged in my ureter. I guess doctors think women exaggerate everything and create pain stories for attention. 

Anyway, I luckily did get the epidural and I couldn't believe the difference! I could see this nurse put her whole hand up me and I couldn't feel a thing! Ha! Olivia came shortly before 6 am and I don't even think I tore with her. She was a good nurser too. And her jaundice wasn't too bad so we went home soon after. Lucas wasn't too interested in her at 1 yr old, but he was not jealous :)

She was 7 lbs 4 oz.

FRANCIS--2013

With Frankie, I was induced at 39 weeks. It was a very easy birth and I remember when I first touched his head when they laid him on my chest, I said "I want to do this again!" I thought this, because when I was pregnant with him (#3) John and I sorta touched on being "done" at 3 kids. I knew when I held him and cried, that I would want to have more and we are both happy we have been able to, even when we thought we should wait a while. Let God's will be done. 

   Frankie was 7 lbs 10 oz.

EUSTACE--2014

When we had Eustace a year later, I was scheduled for an induction at 39 weeks, but he decided to come at 37 wks 6 days. I got to the hospital and was only 3 cm, but they monitored me for an hour and I had progressed to 4cm. I got the epidural and pitocin and had Eustace later that day with John and Susan at my side--grandma stayed with the other 3 :) These were very easy deliveries and pregnancies. Lucas' was traumatic, but the others were smooth sailing. 

Eustace was born the earliest, and was 7 lbs 4 oz.

 I remember feeling really happy during Eustace birth. I was texting and talking like I was high! Guess it could've been the epidural, but man I was so happy and grateful and excited!

So...TONI--2016

I had a smooth pregnancy with Toni, and didn't gain as much weight as with the others. But towards the end of the year, in fact on new year's eve, I was having regular contractions for over an hour and went in thinking  she was coming early (I was almost 37 wks). The contractions stopped at the hospital and they chalked it up to dehydration. I had a few more episodes of "false labor" where I was really frustrated because with 4 littles ones and everyone's work schedules, I had to make up my mind whether I was going to risk being alone with 4 kids and in labor while Susan and John and my mom worked fairly far away, and we also moved to 40 mins away from the hospital. I was dilated to 3 cm for a while, and I would get contractions when she was head down, but I could tell every night she would squirm right back out of the pelvis and swim around. Since her head wasn't on my cervix I wasn't progressing, despite the birth ball, and weird positions and yoga holds and chiropractor (specializing in labor positioning). Well, on thursday morning I woke up and had a lot of blood in my pee. I went into the hospital as I was cramping, bleeding and hadn't felt a lot of movement. They monitored me and I wasn't contracting, they thought the blood was just normal spotting (although I knew when I saw it in the morning it was fresh blood--red not brown). They sent me home. I went home and started doing school with the kids, and when I went to go pee around 2pm, I passed a huge bright red blood clot. I was panicked. This is not a normal sign of labor. I asked a friend (who has 8 kids) and she said to rush to the hospital now. She had experienced the same thing and it was what I feared--the placenta had started to detach from the uterine wall. Placenta abruption is scary because if the placenta stops working, the baby stops getting oxygen. I really didn't want to have a c-section. We rushed back to the hospital (thankfully Emily was so sweet and came back over to be with the kids) and I prayed that everything was okay. 

When I got to the hospital they checked me and I was somehow already at 6 cm. Toni's heart rate was normal and they didn't really worry about the placenta, despite my clots. I later asked the nurse, why was I passing clots? And she said it was the placenta detaching. That's scary that they didn't believe me and what if I hadn't gone back in? Ugh. Anyway, I am grateful we got there in time to still do a vaginal birth. The doctor came and broke my water, and he said there was an awful lot of fluid..(which can cause placenta abruption). I refused to get pitocin or an epidural. I wasn't feeling much pain so I started walking and doing my "hoopy loops" (Lucas term) and contractions picked up quick. By this time Susan was able to join us and I am so thankful Emily is so great with the kids, and allowed my sister mom and husband to be with me at such an important moment. 

This birth was also different because a while back I started thinking about offering up my birth pain as redemptive suffering. I had read about it and thought about it, never knowing if i'd have the strength to follow through. When I would read the horrible news around the world, I knew I could be inspired to offer my pain for spiritual conversion. This is the prayer we said (before the pain got too bad for me to speak..):

The nurse even told me "He is right here with you" and I was begging Jesus to help me endure. The pain didn't get too bad until 9 cm. I even tried to change my mind about the epidural, but I knew it was too late. That state of panic and fear is truly terrifying. The many kinds of strong pain come in waves that confuse your whole being---it doesn't feel natural. It doesn't feel possible to endure. Susan asked specifically what I was scared of during that time, and the fear I guess, is that there's no way to endure the pain without exploding literally. Your pelvis, your skin, muscles and bones just splitting. When I was ready to push, I could feel pressure down there and my butt, so I sat down and panicked waiting for the dr. He finally came in and the team got the whole show on the road while I prayed and whimpered. Once I contracted I pushed, and I felt her head pushing hard all over my groin. I knew I didn't want her sliding back in to start over in this intense pain, so I took another breath, while holding her where she was, and pushed until her shoulders came out followed by the rest of her. The nurse was so impressed and cheering me and telling me to look down at her and I couldn't...the pain was still so bad I closed my eyes squinting and praying for it to end. The pain didn't truly subside until the placenta was delivered at which time the doctor pushes your belly down to cause more bleeding and pain. I was so grateful that with God's grace, I was able to endure, didn't tear and have had an amazing recovery. But that pain was intense and I doubt I could choose it again!

 So, we came home the next day, both of us doing well. My milk has come in and she is feeding well. The pain continues, with nursing and contractions shrinking my uterus back down after baby #5. But I am so happy to have my mom and sister and husband here with me to help all the kids get what they need. When they go back to work I will be scared, but Emily will be here twice a week to help me get some kind of routine established. :) So thankful for her too!

And now here are some pictures of the newest Hodge baby, Toni Louise! 

She was my smallest, at 6 lbs 14 oz...but LOOK AT HER HAIR!!! She is my eskimo baby.

All my kids look so different!

Our celebratory dinner--this is why we go to Baylor haha!

The only kinda odd thing was when my pediatrician came to check her she told me about "Simian Palmar" creases in the hand, which can sometimes be a marker for Downs syndrome. Apparently the straight line across instead of 2 distinct lines is rare. It occurs in about 50% of Downs, and then in about 10% of "normal" babies. She doesn't have any other indications so I guess there is nothing to worry about, But its even more rare 1% to have it in both hands which she does, and it's supposedly more common in boys...odd huh? Some "normal" people that have the lines : Robert Deniro and Hillary Clinton...not sure if thats comforting or not!

Lucas is such a sweet brother--he already made up a song for her :)

Frankie loves her too. He fell asleep with us last night on the couch:

Eustace is another story...he's very jealous!!! More pics soon!

First, An Update

Olivia celebrated her 6th bday earlier this month. She is my helpy-helperton and is becoming an excellent reader like her big bro.

Here she is with a gift from her godparents in PA. :) Lucas did a funny photo bomb !

In preparation for #5's arrival we bought a joovy triple stroller. But it was hard to push with even 2 babies, and the third seat was really impractical for Frankie. Plus it was so heavy and bulky there was no way I'd be taking it in and out of car. So we returned it and will make do with the double stroller and the carrier, and I'll probably get one of those silly harness/leash things for Frankie...I want to be able to safely leave the house without another adult sometimes!

 This was a beef stew recipe I was proud to have made. I'm not a good cook and this was first time I used cooking wine lol. But this epicurious recipe was delicious and the kids loved the tender meat. We ate it all!

 That same day I took the kids to a nearby park but as soon as we got there, poor Lucas fell off the monkey bars really badly and smashed his face. His nose was bruised and his front tooth was nearly knocked out. We came home and he had a bath. He was crying pretry bad :(

 The next morning he looked worse and his tooth was hanging by a string so John yanked it with pliers. He is fine now but there was no tooth growing in there yet so his smile looks silly :P

 Then we did school together. I put his desk in a separate room; his auditory processing issues were really causing problems with school and tantrums. But he seems to do better in his quiet space. He got this encyclopedia from his godparents and I let him pick 2 pages to read for his outside reading assignments for which he must write a paragraph telling what he's learned. He did this on his own and was excited about it :) he wanted to thank Eileen and Chuck right away!

As a reward for doing so well in their 3rd qrtr, John told me about this special deal at Main Event on mobday nights so Emily helped me take them bowling and gaming. Frankie loved it too! 

 The next day we celebrated Lucas' 7th bday and daddy's 32nd !

 And here is Olivia photo bombing Lucas with his gift from his godparents :) He was able to follow the visual directions and made a couple bracelets already!

Birth Story soon...

Every baby is truly different. And every time there is something new to worry about that you've never heard of. Having #5, i'd like to think I have things down pat and am ready for anything, but it has been a humbling experience and while I am so grateful to be blessed with the life I have, the challenges only become more complex and affect everybody in my home. It's the not wanting to depend on others to fulfill my obligations that irks me. So I'm making a short list of my main goals to endeavor to keep balanced through the chaos of the rest of the year:
-continue consistently with homeschool
-get L & O out more (I feel they suffer most with all the bbs getting attention)
-potty train Frankie
-breastfeed Toni as long as possible

I realize I will need a lot of help from my family and Emily (she is family too!) and I appreciate all the help already. I'm getting to be more comfortable asking for help, especially because I know it can only be good for my kids to feel our family unit is truly working together in God's grace. And as anyone who got my xmas letter knows, we aim to build God's army!

 Alright so excuse my incoherent blogging, as I'm totally in the crazy hazy painful lose-track-of-time post-partum-ness. I don't know how it is for other moms, but it's a weird time for me where you feel like a malfunctioning robot that is perpetually behind in its duties. You don't feel (or look...) yourself for a while. There is a lot of joy, thankfully, to balance the pain.
 
  So, I'll be blogging when I can here and there, mostly because this is my digital scrapbook that I like to look back over and remember things I felt, said, did or saw. Since I'm not on other sites, and sometimes feel my memory is going, this blog is still important to me, and to the few family members and friends that occasionally check it :) It's therapeutic to tell your story, even if it's just to yourself. Will write about Toni's birth story soon! We are well :)

Toni Louise :)

6 lbs 14oz born 1-14-16